Under...caros arquitectos

Amigo, o que me ri só tu e eu sabemos.Francamente, tinhas de ser tu a descobrir isto!Que dizer?!Oh well...Hoje um arquitecto, amanhã uma "barriga"... gorda, pronto, gordinha e dorida de tanto rir, eheheh.

«Dear Architects, I am sick of your shit é um texto de Annie Choi que é o melhor acto de stand-up-comedy arquitectónica hardcore de sempre», não sei quem disse mas podem check it out:

"Dear Architects, I am sick of your shit."

Once, a long time ago in the days of yore, I had a friend who was studyingarchitecture to become, presumably, an architect.This friend introduced me to other friends, who were also studyingarchitecture. Then these friends had other friends who were architects -real architects doing real architecture like designing luxury condos thatlook a lot like glass dildos. And these real architects knew other realarchitects and now the only people I know are architects. And they alldesign glass dildos that I will never work or live in and serve only toobstruct my view of New Jersey. Do not get me wrong, architects. I like you as a person. I think you arenice, smell good most of the time, and I like your glasses. You have crazyhair, and if you are lucky, most of it is on your head. But I do not care about architecture. It is true. This is what I do care about:

• burritos
• hedgehogs
• coffee
  

As you can see, architecture is not on the list. I believe that architecture falls somewhere between toenail fungus and invasivecolonoscopy in the list of things that interest me. Perhaps if you didn’t talk about it so much, I would be more interested.When you point to a glass cylinder and say proudly, hey my office designedthat, I giggle and say it looks like a bong. You turn your head in disgustand shame. You think, obviously she does not understand. What does sheknow? She is just a writer. She is no architect. She respects vowels, notglass cocks. And then you say now I am designing a lifestyle center, and Iask what is that, and you say it is a place that offers goods and services and retail opportunities and I say you mean like a mall and you say no. It is a lifestyle center. I say it sounds like a mall. I am from the Valley,bitch. I know malls. Architects, I will not lie, you confuse me. You work sixty, eighty hours aweek and yet you are always poor. Why aren’t you buying me a drink? Whereis your bounty of riches? Maybe you spent it on merlot. Maybe you spent iton hookers and blow. I cannot be sure. It is a mystery. I will leave thatto the scientists to figure out. Architects love to discuss how much sleep they have gotten. One will sayhow he was at the studio until five in the morning, only to return againtwo hours later. Then another will say, oh that is nothing. I haven’t sleptin a week. And then another will say, guess what, I have never slept ever.My dear architects, the measure of how hard you’ve
worked and how muchyou’ve accomplished is not related to the number of hours you have notslept. Have you heard of Rem Koolhaas? He is a famous architect. I knowthis because you tell me he is a famous architect. I hear that Rem Koolhaasis always sleeping. He is, I presume, sleeping right now. And I hear hegets shit done. And I also hear that in a stunning move, he is making abuilding that looks not like a glass cock, but like a concrete vagina. When you sleep more, you get vagina. You can all take a lesson from RemKoolhaas. Life is hard for me, please understand. Architects are an important part ofmy existence. They call me at eleven at night and say they just got offwork, am I hungry? Listen, it is practically midnight. I ate hours ago. Solong ago that, in fact, I am hungry again. So yes, I will go. Then I willgo and there will be other architects talking about AutoCAD shortcuts andsomething about electric panels and can you believe that is all I didtoday, what a drag. I look around the table at the poor, tired, and hungry,and think to myself, I have but only one bullet left in the gun. Who will Ichoose? I have a friend who is a doctor. He gives me drugs. I enjoy them. I have a friend who is a lawyer. He helped me sue my landlord. My architect friendshave given me nothing. No drugs, no medical advice, and they don’t know howto spell subpoena. One architect friend figured out that my apartment wasone hundred and eighty seven square feet. That was nice. Thanks for that. I suppose one could ask what someone like me brings to architects likeyourselves. I bring cheer. I yell at architects when they start talkingabout architecture. I force them to discuss far more interesting topics,like turkey eggs. Why do we eat chicken eggs, but not turkey eggs? They arebigger. And people really like turkey. See? I am not afraid to ask thetough questions. So, dear architects, I will stick around, for only a little while. I hopethat one day some of you will become doctors and lawyers or will figure outmy taxes. And we will laugh at the days when you
spent the entire eveningtalking about some European you’ve never met who designed a building youwill never see because you are too busy working on something that willnever get built. But even if that day doesn’t arrive, give me a callanyway, I am free.

Yours truly,

Annie Choi